Ok for the record, I don’t normally take a lot of time around Christmas off from work.  It is a time when everything is bright and happy and everyone is a little nicer to everyone sure that’s the season.  I don’t really buy into the gift giving thing it seems like a lot of money spent on lots of stuff that no one really needs.  The holidays always seem to stress me out and I always have this internal battle over where to spend my time.  Living with someone who works retail means if you want to see them you have to stay local.  Well family is not local, and its impossible to do both.  So it’s a choice.  It’s one I hate every year.

I think I had done a pretty good job of ignoring the whole damn thing this year, lot’s of beer helps.  I made my travel arrangements early and they were not up for debate.  Christmas in my head, was that thing I had to do for 36 hours and then it was over.  All that changed when Shelton picked up a Christmas tree yesterday.  Which makes my act of ignoring Christmas impossible.  Perhaps I’ll just stay upstairs for the next week.  It’s a Charlie Brown tree if ever I saw one.  There are no presents under the tree no real decorations just the lights It’s really cute making it that much harder for me to refuse to have anything to do with it.  Again I know how silly is that sounds.  Secretly, part of me wants to run out, pick out presents wrap them up and put them under the damn thing.  I can’t decide if I love or hate it.

So it was totally unrealistic to think I could hide from it all.  I guess I was just stalling for as long as possible.  This holiday is coming, I don’t want to celibate it, or perhaps, I don’t know how to celibate it. I don’t want to think about it ! and even thought I will be around my parents and nephews and it will be fun, I’m already feeling guilty, lonely, and can’t wait for it to be over.

I know all this self imposed hell is just fucking the holiday up for everyone around me.  I just don’t know how to make the best out of it.