Ok for the record, I don’t normally take a lot of time around Christmas off from work.  It is a time when everything is bright and happy and everyone is a little nicer to everyone sure that’s the season.  I don’t really buy into the gift giving thing it seems like a lot of money spent on lots of stuff that no one really needs.  The holidays always seem to stress me out and I always have this internal battle over where to spend my time.  Living with someone who works retail means if you want to see them you have to stay local.  Well family is not local, and its impossible to do both.  So it’s a choice.  It’s one I hate every year.

I think I had done a pretty good job of ignoring the whole damn thing this year, lot’s of beer helps.  I made my travel arrangements early and they were not up for debate.  Christmas in my head, was that thing I had to do for 36 hours and then it was over.  All that changed when Shelton picked up a Christmas tree yesterday.  Which makes my act of ignoring Christmas impossible.  Perhaps I’ll just stay upstairs for the next week.  It’s a Charlie Brown tree if ever I saw one.  There are no presents under the tree no real decorations just the lights It’s really cute making it that much harder for me to refuse to have anything to do with it.  Again I know how silly is that sounds.  Secretly, part of me wants to run out, pick out presents wrap them up and put them under the damn thing.  I can’t decide if I love or hate it.

So it was totally unrealistic to think I could hide from it all.  I guess I was just stalling for as long as possible.  This holiday is coming, I don’t want to celibate it, or perhaps, I don’t know how to celibate it. I don’t want to think about it ! and even thought I will be around my parents and nephews and it will be fun, I’m already feeling guilty, lonely, and can’t wait for it to be over.

I know all this self imposed hell is just fucking the holiday up for everyone around me.  I just don’t know how to make the best out of it.

I was just deleting text messages from my phone this morning.  I thought I would share.
(and yes I am this hard up for content)

Am to me:  Im gonna b late 2. cant stay out late. be there abou 7.

Am to me:  I dont need to pa a cover do i ?

Ss to me:  k

Bc to me:  Happy as usual… Hope you are to

Bb to me:  Lol what ? Nah I am going to svarowinds

Bb to me :  Lol thanks Scott.  but nah :( I’m actually being kidnapped

Bb to me:  Lol no, has to do with a freshman girl and a very strong libido?

Ew to me:  How are you guys this weekend?

Ss to me:  Yuck fou

me to Ss:  No i with 6 women from work see you in 10

me to Am:  Wednesdays are middle class hell - nothing on tv -to early in the week to get shit faced - and two days away from pay day.

Am to me:  Kitchen nightmares channel 11.

Br to me:  Sunny loves the shirt you bought me.  Thanks again

me to Br:  Sweet tell her hi

I am having a hard time recovering from the past weekend.  As weekends go I didn’t drink that much, no was I sick or hung over.  I just basically cleaned up around the house, and ran some around some.  I totally didn’t want to come to work today and now that I’m here I’m having a hard time getting moving.  I’m catching up on loose ends.  little thinks requiring little to no thought but have to be done from time to time.

I have made little to no effort to get my site back up.  I am happy I did the software upgrade I love the new back end but I’m not sure I will ever get around to moving all the data over.  The design has never been complete nor has it ever been anything I really like.  Time will tell.

I have not written anything in a while.  To be honest I just haven’t felt like it.  Or nothing really exciting is going on in my life.  I’m bored at the moment, don’t mean this very moment but in general.  I’m going to Vegas in less that a week and I bounce between mild excitement, and apathy.  I know I’ll have a fantastic time when I get there, I guess it just hasn’t hit yet.

The one event I was looking forward to was seeing John Grishmem speak tonight, but my friend had to bail and I facing the possibility of having to go by myself.  The idea of sitting down at a restraint by myself is unpalatable at best but to get dressed up and plop down in a theater for a live show stag makes my stomach turn. 

I have this list of things I need to do but just can’t seem to get motivated to do any of them.  If you have ever read more than one of my journal entries you will know this is a common problem for me.  I never do anything till the last second, and then usually in a sloppy fashion.  I am about to jump out of my skin at the moment, I guess the combination of dr. pepper and coffee with my ADD meds might have something to do with that but my focus has never seemed worse.

Kim is coming home this weekend and my Mom is coming for a day visit tomorrow and then I leave for Vegas on Sunday.  I need to make it up to my parents and visit with my Dad and the Grand parents but it all seems too rushed, or probably more honestly I can’t seem to find the motivation.